Big boy room and bed

Dearest Ryan:

For the last 3.5 years (or more), I've sat in the rocking chair in your nursery either with you on my lap or in my belly. We've rocked, sang, read, laughed, jumped, played, and dreamt. Before you were born, I would sit in your nursery every night with the night light on and all the lights out just thinking of you...wondering what you'd be like...wondering if I would be a good mom...dreaming of holding you in my arms...and scared that I'd do something to "ruin" you.

After you were born, I'd nurse you in the rocking chair...make up songs to sing to you...tell you stories about your family...hoping that one day you'd actually sleep in the crib..and cherishing being a new mom. You might remember me telling you "the days are long but the years are short"...and I tried to keep this in mind during those tough first few months.

As you grew, our night-time rituals changed - no more singing was the first change. We read books instead. I still try to sing you Ryan's song but you're not interested. (That's okay - one day you'll want to hear it again and I'll be ready.) Night time has always been pretty special to me: rehashing our day...talking about the next day...telling stories.

When you hit two, your personality really started to show. The negotiations to read more books...the kissy fish....the sniffer dog...the "no kisses mommy"...and the "WAIT!!! I *NEED* more kisses and hugs"! Even the nights I was so tired and Daddy would put you to bed, I missed it. I felt gyped that I didn't get to be the one to tell you "Good night...sleep tight...don't let the bed bugs bite....I love you with ALLLLL my might.....night-night light". Even when you got too "old" for it and I was left saying it all by myself. I remember when we used do it together and it was enough.

And then we took down your crib...and converted it to a toddler bed. You helped. You used the tools and helped me take it down. Just mommy and son. I was excited even if once you realized what was happening, you weren't so excited. In hindsight, I should have kept you in your crib...kept you little a little while longer. But you were ready and I thought I was too. You took to sleeping in your toddler bed (aka big boy bed) like a champ. Every once in a while, I'd hear the tell-tale thud of you falling out of bed, but you always just picked yourself up and got back into bed - just like a big boy. No tears - no cries - nothing! Almost like you never even woke up. I was so proud. And of course I was watching on the video monitor just to see if you needed me.

And now here we are today: a big 3 year old who has moved out of the nursery. I planned your big boy room for months and months - we had talks about staying in your nursery or getting a big boy room. We talked about bedding and beds and pillows and all the things that would come with being a big boy. And I let you choose. Originally you didn't want to move...and I wasn't going to force you. And if I'm honest with myself, I was glad you didn't want to move. The nursery is yours - I have so many memories of you in that room. Well, I was glad until you decided you wanted to move to a big boy room and let the new baby have your old room.

And so the planning began: how to paint, how to get the furniture to fit, where to put toys, when to make it all happen, what kind of mattress to buy, what bedding to get, etc. It was a long process but it all came together and tonite is your first night in your new room.

We painted your big boy room last weekend with Grandma and Papa - it turned out so good. I wish I could take some credit for that - but it was all Grandma. She's the painter - I'm the apprentice. Then this weekend, Daddy put up the railing and we painted one more time. We shopped for your mattress - you were so excited.

I took your crib apart for the final time today - you were such a big helper. You helped take all the screws out and helped me clean all the slats. It looks as good as new! We just had to wait for the mattress and for daddy to come home to put the rails on! We cleaned and vaccumed your new room - you ran circles around the vaccuum cleaner for at least 10 minutes straight. I don't think I've ever vaccuumed one room for that amount of time - but you were having fun. And so was I.

When the delivery guys came today, I thought you were going to burst with excitement. It was great - and contagious! I couldn't wait for Daddy to get home to put the final touches on your bed. And neither could you! Such a big day for a little boy (oops - I mean big boy)!

Sadly, the rails didn't fit on your bed so we had to put the mattresses on the floor. It didn't make one.bit.of.difference to you though. You finally had your big boy bed ... in your big boy room. All was good - as evidenced by a 30 minute run of bouncing on the bed.

So for the first time in over 3.5 years, I sat IN your bed and read you stories and talked to you about your new room...and played sniffer dog and kissy fish. And then it hit me. You ARE a big boy. And you're not in your room anymore. That this is really the first day of your big boy life...the first days of not needing me as much any more. And as I closed the door, I cried. There's no monitor in that room...no furniture....nothing. Just you...your new bed...and a nightlight. I should be happy and proud and excited - and I am - but you're growing so fast.

Although I will always remember what it's like to have a baby boy, you're growing up right before my very eyes. And it all started before I could even tell it not too. I miss it all...and I'm sure I'll miss these upcoming years too. I pray that I never forget and that's why I keep up this blog. So that I don't forget. And so you'll know how much I truly truly love you.

I love you with all my heart. You'll ALWAYS be my sweet boy! Congratulations on your big boy room. I look forward to all the new memories that we'll make.

Love,
Mommy